Unwanted

UNWANTED

The Definition of Unwanted is best illustrated in this diagram from Dictionary.com Theasus Word Chart

Look at the Theasuarus word list: Unwanted

Undesirable, cast-off, discarded, throwaway,friendless, unasked, Unpleasant, not nice, insufferable, intolerable, loathsome, opprobrious, regrettable, reprehensible, repugnant, repulsive, revolting, unacceptable, undesirable, unfit, unsatisfactory, unseemly, unsuitable, unwelcome, abhorrent, ensurable, deplorable, disagreeable, displeasing, ill-favored, inadmissible, won't do.

WHEW!! If you are like the Korean War Baby, you must be feeling a Plethora (love this word) of emotions, ranging from shock and awe; Unbelief, surprise, resentment, anger, deep seated pain, sadness, insecurity, self-loathing, madness, rage, hated. etc.

Or maybe not, perhaps most of you are happy or consider adoption just part of your identity. At different times in HIS LONG life, the KWB has experienced many of these different emotions at various times. Some of us may have different levels of these FEELINGS; many may not feel them much, because they have grown up with a loving Adoptive Family. Perhaps you have gone through Inner Healing of the Small Child. Or you "walk through life with a Chip on your shoulder, daring ANYONE to knock it off" to vent your rage...OR, perhaps like most of you, find yourselves somewhere in between. Adoption is just a part of Who you are for many; some have no desire to "Find my Koreanness, aren't interested in Searching for birth family". For others it grows from a curious 'wanting to know what happened' to a driving force, but there are many degrees between the extremes. Look at this chart:

The SPECTRUM of GRADATIONS of Adoption stories go from Wonderful, very good, good, okay, not very nice, poor, bad, horrible, 'wish I were not born' (The KWB must note that one Korean adoptee actually forlornly told the KWB that "I wish I HAD been aborted" yet just months after such a declaration he opened a business...What happened to him? Did he get saved or was he really serious?)

Again the stories Range from one end to the other. Where YOU are does not make it right or wrong, it just "IS Where you be". Stay at your comfort level, one adopted sibling may have absolutely NO desire to visit the 'motherland'- for the another it can grows in intensity and desire. Let each one respect the other.

"Alleged" Horrors of Adoptions

It is alleged, by a relatively small group, not just Korean Adoptees but again by a relatively small group numerically, of AdopteesBirth mothers/actists in both Domestic and Trans-National adoptions, that ALL adoption is Horrible.  They WHINE and MOAN that Adoption is Completely awful, Bad, harmful to birth/natural mothers (bio-fathers are rarely heard from it seems), this international group claims that ALL adoption is damaging to children. (The KWB MUST acknowledge that LEGITIMATE complaints should be addressed and "whine and moan" does not apply to "B*tching, demanding justice, or the seeking answers, to find the truth".


In many cases though, such as Abandonment, there is ONLY GUESSWORK on birthdate (estimated by perhaps several people). Children of all ages have been Abandoned (see future post-Abandoned) not just during the war and post-war decade. Even in the 21st century.

THIS IS TRUE to a degree, but only for a few cases, NOT ALL. SOME have cases that SHOULD be exposed, SOME have legitimate horror stories. They are NOT guilty of Whining/moaning. NO they should BITCH and COMPLAIN, rightly so. Every instance must be published and exposed as it.
It is the Language of Some, that the KWB points out is WRONG. NEITHER is it true that ALL Adoption is Lucky, Blessed, Fortunate, God sent, etc. EXTREMES do NOT tell the WHOLE story.

All is a huge word-Total, Completely, Entire, it means ALL. But there is "NO ALL in "all"-of the spectrum of stories in This Thing of Ours-Adoption". There ARE many stories of Happy successful lives, yes there ARE many out there who have dealt with their life, come to accept the circumstances of their "Blended family"; some have religious beliefs that upset and rile others. FINE, we have similar yet unique experiences that do not cancel out the validity of others. Let us be BALANCED and respectful of others view, experience, opinions, religious beliefs, etc.

Some out in Cyberspace "ALLEGE" that supposedly MOST or ALL of us Adoptees Must have had horrible lives because of A D O P T I O N !!! They blame Adoption Agencies, governments, Child-Kidnapping gangs, "Rich White Privileged Infertile Adoptive Parents, the list goes on and on.

YES, there are documented cases of Child Laundering and Kidnapping. Prof. David Smolin tells of his own discovery concerning his adopted children from India. He was able to find their birth family, and has written extensively on the subject. The KWB has read, no studied, the full PDF files listed. Links and website

List of Internation Adoption Scandals Trafficking of Children Child Laundering 

THIS IS WHAT the KWB thinks SHOULD BE DONE WITH CONVICTED PERSONS REALLY GUILTY OF THE CRIME: Give them Death!!

Put them away for the rest of their lives, NO, too much cost, DEATH. Measures must be taken to prevent the possibilities of these heinous crimes, such as enforcing the Hague Conventions and International agreements to Protect children/birth mothers/birth fathers/even prospective adoptive parents.

BUT LET ME SHOUT- IT IS NOT ALL of the cases.

Some people, have tried and convicted through the media the Ten Americans who DID make SO MANY mistakes. CNN has certainly come up with damning "evidence" BUT they should get their DAY IN COURT. Facts are twisted and Labels given that are NOT TRUE. They are NOT Missionaries, NOT an Accredited Orphanage or NGO, NOT CONVICTED of ChildKidnapping or Laundering...yet. So far the leader of the group seems to have had her life upside down, certainly not trained, experienced, NOR accredited as an NGO, NOT financially funded, NOT ignorant of the law. She has unfortunately become the "POSTER CHILD" for label of Child-Launderers. 

BUT those who LUMP all who want to Adopt as just HORRID People, selfish, infertile, Child-Kidnappers, Launders, etc. 

PLEASE GIVE ME A BREAK!!!

The KWB does not discount, deny, make light of, any of these cases, that have been Proven in International Court...HOWEVER, when certain groups out there IMPLY in their language that ALL "Overseas Adoptions" "TransRacial/Cultural Adoptions" and now the new Politically Correct term, "InterCountry Adoptions" are ALL Child-Laundering, Kidnapping, and will be BAD Adoptions. SOME bloggers are screaming about the "Ten Evangelical missionaries" as Religious Right Extremists (and maybe the adults are guilty, but we don't know yet). But it is when they APPLY THE ALL Label, that the The Korean War Baby SHOUTS THAT is a BIG steaming,

Pile of Dung-(India)

THE ROOT OF THE ISSUE IS NOT ADOPTION IN ITSELF

  
The ROOT of the issue is that for various reasons, Most of our Birth/Natural Mothers gave us up. In SOME extreme cases they literally left their children ON THE STREET or MARKET. Yes, SOME were kidnapped by relatives, SOME actually were kidnapped and sold and money exchanged, SOME mothers were pushed/encouraged/forced to get rid of GIRLS because a SON was WANTED, SOME young women DID NOT Abort their unborn, Many women were Pushed, Forced, Urged- by FAMILY, SOCIETY, LACK OF GOVERNMENT SUPPORT, to give up their flesh and blood for adoption. SOME of us were babies, toddlers, young children, teenagers, abandoned in many different ways.

No matter the reason, WE WERE UNWANTED!! Sad to say, hard to stomach, difficult to even speak of, causing deep pain and sorrow, trauma in our soul and spirit, unspeakable wounding even for a tiny baby. Psychologists have found that the bonding between mother and her developing FETUS/Baby begins much earlier than thought of before. Dr. Joe Soll and Dr. Nancy Verrier are two authors of excellent works on the effects of the TRAUMA of LOSS and ABANDONMENT felt by a newborn when it is SEPARATED from it's mother.

UNWANTED-Facing the cold hard facts

(Warning some religious stuff  from the bible coming)

Isaiah 49:15  "Can a woman forget her suckling child, that she
should not have compassion on the son of her womb? Yes, they may forget...."

Psa 27:10 When my father and my
mother forsake me, then..."

Eze 16:4  And as for your birth, in the day you
were born your navel was not cut, nor were you washed with water to cleanse you. And you were not salted, nor swaddled at all.

Eze 16:5  No eye pitied you, to do any of these to you,
to have compassion on you. But you were thrown out into the open field, because
your life was despised in the day that you were born.

Don't these passages speak of our lives? Read the full passages for more.

Psa 69:8 

I have become a stranger to My brothers, and a foreigner to My mother's children.

This one really became clear to the KWB after just a few months living in Korea, back in 1995-96. "I have become a stranger to My brothers, and a foreigner to My mother's children', HOW TRUE is THAT? For many who do come back it can be at first disappointing and frustrating, the Western Mind clashes with the Eastern Mind and Culture. Stories abound of such encounters and it is another part of the journey that only a few have walked.

What can be done? First we must face the facts, then work out how to deal with it. There is Hope...coming in a future post.