Adoption Today: International Adoption-Parenting the First Generation

KOREAN WAR BABY NOTES: This is from Adoption Today, under their section Korea. Very informative site and gives many different sources. Check out their website.

Resources and Adoption Stories
Adopting from South Koreaby Kim Phagan-Hansel I Am Not Specialby Teresa R. Funke Embracing My Uniquenessby Althea Izawa-Hayden International Adoption: Parenting the First Generationby Jennifer Donohue Astion A Peculiar Rhythm - Birth Parent Searchby Terra Trevor

International Adoption: Parenting the First Generationby Jennifer Donohue Astion

Korean adoption began in response to the thousands of children orphaned during the Korean War. Between 1956 and 1985, American and European families adopted approximately 141,000 Korean children.* These families raised the first generation of international adoptees. As the mother of a 2-year-old daughter from Korea, I want to learn from the experts, the parents who pioneered international adoption. What worked well for their families? What do they wish they had done differently? Recently, I spoke with three mothers who adopted Korean children during the 1970s. Their children came home at different ages, grew up in communities of varying diversity, and have different levels of connection to their birth families and Korea. Despite these differences, all of the families emphasized Korean culture and good communication, and all of the children have grown into successful adults. Three Family Stories At age 6, Amy joined the family of Marilyn and Bob Canfield. The family also has five biological children, so Amy was welcomed into a spirited and caring home. “The whole family was delighted. She was a little princess,” Marilyn Canfield recalls. Adopted in 1973, Amy grew up in Spokane, a small, mainly white city in Eastern Washington. In Renton, Wash., a diverse community south of Seattle, Donna and Barry Copp adopted 6-month-old Kevin in 1974 and 2-year-old Kerri in 1977. Both children were malnourished when they arrived but thrived in the Copps’ loving home. On the other side of the country, 1-year-old Melissa joined the family of Sandy and Bob McGowan who lived in Norwell, Mass., with their two biological children. After adopting Melissa in 1976, the family adopted 6-year-old Jonathan in 1978. Korean Culture Bringing Korean culture into the family was a dominant theme for these parents. “We had Korean things around the house — maps, books. We went to Korean restaurants. Starting in kindergarten, I brought in Korean food for Lunar New Year,” recalls Sandy McGowan. In fact, the attention on Korea created some resentment from the family’s biological children. “They all got along fine. There was a little jealousy about the emphasis on Korean culture but I told them it was more important for them. They need some tie to their culture.” The Copp family offered Korean cultural opportunities but tried not to push them on their children. “I tried to encourage their culture. There came a point where they weren’t interested. You can’t force that,” says Donna Copp. “Probably about junior high we let them do their own thing.” The Copps’ hands-off approach allowed their children to go at their own speed. As adults both Kerri and Kevin have renewed their interest in Korea. Diversity “If I had it to do all over again I wish I’d lived in a more diverse community,” says Sandy McGowan. After growing up in a white neighborhood, her daughter Melissa chose a college with a large Asian population. While the Canfields lived in a mainly white neighborhood, their daughter Amy was popular in high school. “She had a lot of opportunities to date,” says Marilyn Canfield. Amy also met Asian friends in college, and later visited one of them in Korea. Donna Copp believes the diversity in their neighborhood helped her children make friends of different races at an early age. “We had some Asian families in our neighborhood. They have friends of all nationalities — African-American, Asian and Caucasian.” Donna Copp realized how different it would be to raise her Asian children in another part of the country when her family drove through the Midwest and received some very strange looks. “It is important to live in a multicultural community. There are areas where it would be difficult to raise a child of another race but we were very fortunate.” Connecting to Other Adoptees Sandy McGowan sent both her children to a Korean heritage camp. She told them, “You have no choice. You have to go. If you hate it you don’t have to go back.” Both children loved the summer camp and returned to work as counselors. “They made very good friends there. They really connected. My kids got so much out of it.” The Copp family made lifelong friends at an annual family camp sponsored by their adoption agency. “They still go. You meet friends there. Some of their friends have kids too,” says Donna Copp. “You can’t emphasize enough how much they learn at those things.” Donna Copp also formed a support group for families with adopted children. “When we adopted a long time ago it was not as common as it is now. We were kind of going through this alone. I thought it was important they were around people with similar backgrounds.” Those relationships continue to be strong. “They still have friends from that group. I still have friends from that group.” School Marilyn Canfield remembers how teachers in Spokane treated her daughter Amy. “Her teachers expected Amy to be a little quiet Asian thing who studied hard and got good grades. I would see what some people’s expectations were and it made me mad. I have no patience for that.” Her experience is a reminder that Asian children often face the stereotype of being a “model” minority. Transracially adopted children face not only teachers’ expectations but also questions from other children about their families. Donna Copp feels the continuity of living in one neighborhood spared her children the awkwardness of explaining their family makeup to new groups of peers. “They were accepted so well by the community,” she explains. “They went to one elementary school, one junior high and one high school. The kids all knew them. They were just Kerri and Kevin.” Adolescence Adolescence is always challenging but adoptive parents feel especially worried for their children. Marilyn Canfield found herself looking for resources when her daughter was a teenager. “When Amy was in adolescence, I felt there wasn’t anything written that applied to her and the parents of transracial adoption. As a child grows into adolescence they are trying to find out who they are. There’s one other component if it’s a transracial adoption.” Marilyn Canfield spent a lot of time listening to Amy’s memories of Korea. “I would recommend talking to kids about their pasts,” says Marilyn Canfield. She and her daughter spent hours in the car together visiting family members. “We’d be driving together. She would go to sleep and wake up and chatter the rest of the way. She would tell me things she remembered. It’s easy to talk to a child when you’re in the car. It’s good when they get to be adolescents.” Donna Copp notes that her children were teased for being Asian and was available to hear their concerns. “They have been stereotyped and have experienced prejudice; however this is usually because of their race or other difference, not because they are adopted. As parents we may not know how they feel, but as a parent we can be there to support them.” Ties to Birth Families and Korea “I was always positive about their birthmothers,” explains Sandy McGowan. “On Mother’s Day I always thought about them. I sent pictures to the agency. When we opened the files, those pictures were there.” Both her Korean children have visited Korea, been reunited with their birth families, and maintained positive relationships with their Korean families. Amy Canfield studied Korean in college and visited Korea. Planning the trip, she told her mother, “I just want to see someone who looks like me.” Amy met her birth family but has been frustrated by the difficulty of communication with family members. Donna Copp has examined her children’s adoption files in Korea but has found no information on their birth families. While her daughter Kerri wants to search for her birth family, her son Kevin is open to meeting his birth parents but is less motivated to search. Kerri plans to visit Korea this year. Adult Relationships After growing up in a white suburb, Melissa and Jonathon McGowan have formed a diverse group of friends and both have dated Asians. Amy Canfield has a diverse group of friends but dated mainly Caucasians, including her husband with whom she has two daughters. Kevin Copp has a stepdaughter and a biological son with his Hispanic wife. Fatherhood has been a very meaningful experience for him. As he told his mother, “It’s really nice to have someone who looks like me.” His sister Kerri married a Caucasian. Reflecting her positive adoption experience and desire to give a home to a child who has already been brought into this world, Kerri is planning to adopt from Korea. Conclusions These families raised Korean children when there were no guidebooks. I am inspired by their commitment to their children’s birth culture, their awareness of racism, and their ability to connect their children to other adoptees. I hope to follow their example by keeping an open dialogue with my own daughter about her birth family, adoption and Korean culture. Copp eloquently sums up what we, as parents, can do. “As a parent of two Korean adult adoptees, I can only recommend open communication at an early age, consistency, being involved in your child’s activities and lots of unconditional love.” * These statistics come from the Evan B. Donaldson Adoption Institute. Jennifer Donohue Astion is a freelance writer in Seattle. She and her husband adopted their 2-year-old daughter Amy from Korea. KWB Notes: Great stuff eh? Read more at Evan B. Donaldson Adoption Institute on Facebook also.

Overseas Adoption: Child Welfare or Abuse?

Overseas Adoption: Child Welfare or Abuse?

12-30-2011 Korea Times Korean War Baby NOTES: I will comment in BLUE on this article. Overseas adoption: child welfare or abuse? By Kim Do-hyun Some years ago, during a seminar about overseas adoption from Korea, I stated that the practice is “child abuse rather than child welfare.” Some of the social workers who were working for overseas adoption agencies looked very shocked when they heard my presentation. After the seminar, some of them came to me and made strong complaints and protested. They argued, “Why do you insult and disgrace us, while we try to find sweet homes for abandoned children through overseas adoption?” Korea’s overseas adoption program started immediately after the end of the 1950-53 Korean War. Now Korea’s per capita national income is more than $20,000 and the economy ranks in the world’s top 15, yet Korea is still one of the world’s major countries sending its own children overseas for adoption. Here the oft used argument is that Korea is not a poor country anymore SO they SHOULD take care of their OWN children...However, it AIN'T about the economic ability of Korean people. Rather it is the still strong Social feelings of most, not all, Korean people AGAINST Unwed Mothers, Orphans, and Adoption. The question is HOW to continue to help the slowly changing attitudes toward these issues. Many still labor under the false assumptions that Koreans don't adopt children domestically, citing the governments figures for Domestic Adoptions. THESE are false, according to the Korean Women's Development Institute, the Civil Code Law allows domestic adoption WITHOUT being counted on the so-called Domestic Adoption yearly numbers. Hey, read the KWB blog post under KWDI and read their reports. According to government statistics, Korea has sent nearly 200,000 children overseas for adoption from 1953 to the present. Among those children, there were 5,546 mixed-race children sent from 1955 to 1973 (after which mixed-race children were no longer counted because the vast majority of adoptees were full-blooded Koreans)(NO, the changes in allowing ABORTION started in 1973, permitting five reasons to legally permitt unwanted children to be killed/terminated/unwanted pregnancy could be 'fixed' up to 28 weeks), 98,178 children from unwed mothers, 28,823 children from broken families, 29,950 abandoned children and 37,216 disabled children. According to these statistics, through overseas adoption, we sent away the mixed-race children, the children of unwed mothers, disabled children, and the children of broken families. That is why I define Korea’s overseas adoption as a kind of “systematic social segregation.” Of course, as a member of Korean society, I am also complicit in this massive “systematic social segregation project.” Totally agree with Pastor Kim on this, he identifies that it is the Korean people and the government who are both responsible. On "systematic social segregation project" though I disagree on the "Segregation" point. Basically, Korea and its people, did not want these children or to provide help to raise these mostly 'full-blood' children because of  Social rejection and prejudice. Confucius was the Chinese philosopher that rules of how a society runs was based on, even the family structure and even Christians follow much of the teachings, calling them Korean Traditions. However, read on to see how Pastor Kim takes the next step-blame those who adopt from overseas as the 'bad guys'. From a micro-perspective, overseas adoption can be seen as child welfare. In view of this, certainly I am very grateful to the adoptive parents in Western countries, who have looked after the abandoned Korean children with “philanthropic love.” The KWB was not loved by my Adoptive Parents with 'philanthropic love', which means "Love of Humanity" by the Greeks.  My Adoptive parents were not perfect, but for many reasons, they TOOK ME BY CHOICE (meaning of ad+optare) to love me AS THEIR OWN SON. Was life wonderful? Not at all, and I was a rebel and prodigal son. Certainly some Adoptive Parents may have had such grandiose ideas but 'philanthropic love'? Philanthropic love does produce parents to take a child and raise it as their own. PLEASE,  "love of humanity" is NOT the main reason people adopted, yes, perhaps some did and do because they are trying to 'save a child' but the great majority of adoptees and adoptive parents I have met over the years had other reasons. Those who oppose adoption seem to want to denegrate the reason as some sort of act of kindness, but instead adoption should be understood by all involved as a great challenge and committment. It is the lack of proper background checking, fast track adoption, and allowing single adults to adopt, just some of the reasons for adoption failures. I also am deeply appreciative of the various social workers in adoption agencies, police stations, maternity clinics and orphanages, to name but a few, who have tried to provide a sweet home for abandoned children. However, from a macro-perspective, the overseas adoption program of Korea has been deeply related to the international social system. First, overseas adoption is a kind of child abuse by the state. Second, the overseas adoption policy of the government was likely a part of its economic development strategy, which means the overseas adoptees have been used as part of a project to create wealth and prosperity for the rest of the South Koreans. Hmmm, this argument seems rather shallow...the Korean government (with apparently no challenge from its citizens) purposely planned to get rid of its socially unwanted children (not even mentioning, Pastor Kim, what of the churches and Christians of the land, their failure to protest the successful Planned Population of Korea's (Yes it is not Planned Parenthood but Planned Population-Korea is the only country to be honest about abortion) elimination of all those undesired fetus that were female, flawed, premature, unexpected pregnancies, or of mix-blood, victims of rape and incest, etc.) This is a difficult "project to create wealth and prosperity for the rest of the South Koreans". Overseas adoption is the forced expulsion of children from the society where they are supposed to live. In this sense, overseas adoption is a social violence against children. As humans, we exist as part of a gigantic ecosystem. The existence of the biological parents of adoptees can never be annihilated nor denied. Accordingly, while adoptees are growing up, they should be given information about their biological parents and be able to interact with them. By doing so, adoptees can form their identity with less conflict. WHO did this 'Social Violence'? Was it the past and present Korean Society and their views on the issues? Sure it sounds horrible and 'should' be different, but HOW to bring about change? Those who oppose any sort of adoption seem to forget that without the climate of the Society's attitudes about non-blood related adoption (reason why domestic adoptions are 80% kept secret, even from the child/adult, because it is a SHAME to be adopted. It is thought by most Koreans that one must have been flawed or unwanted, and if a domestic adoptee is discovered the Marriage is OFF. Until just recently government records show if one is adopted domestically. Change is happening in Korea, SLOWLY. Overseas adoption is a forced separation of children from their natural ecosystems, as well as a way of forcing them into compulsory unity with settings different from and unnatural to their genetic and original social systems. Through this forced separation and compulsory unity, not only the adoptees, but also their biological parents, adoptive parents and their family members suffer trauma. Yes, in some cases there was 'forced separation' since most women who were faced with their own family rejection because of premarital pregnancy (how dare you shame the family!). The family often demands that the Unwed Mother (government and NGO's best terminology) to abort or give IT up for adoption. Did ALL adoptive parents/family members suffer TRAUMA? That is way too inclusive and based on very few cases, those who whine and pine about their lives and blame it all on being adopted.  Members of the antiadoption forces number less than one percent of KADs, yet they make it seem that all adoptees are not educated and able to determine the facts for themselves. Hey, how about the children of 'regular' families, such as divorced families, abusive parents, separation, mixed-cultural marriages? Seems like we could whine about that too. Life is NOT fair, we have to accept the things that ARE and try to fix things better. We must deal with the past, live with the present. The overseas adoption of Korean children can be seen as child abuse since it has been interrelated with the economic development strategy of the government. How can we call the overseas adoption program of Korea “child welfare” when we create wealth and prosperity by forcefully expelling them? Again, who did the 'child abuse'? The Korean people, its government basically did what was necessary and socially acceptable. DID you know that it was NOT LEGAL to adopt a child in Korea that was not of your BLOODLINE? Domestic adoption within the extended family was acceptable for many years. SOMEHOW these social laws are forgotten by those who have lived in Korea, are Korean, but they ignore or forget to bring these facts to light. At the end of the Korean war there were estimates of 300,000 separated children, 90% of them were full-blooded Koreans. It was NOT only mixed-blooded children (term was Tuigi, half-breed, but now is HoNurRah, 'mixed-blood' slightly better) who were living on the streets, in overcrowded orphanages often supported by US and UN troops FYI. KOREAN PEOPLE couldn't BY LAW and WOULDN'T by their hearts adopt children that were NOT of THEIR Bloodlines. KWB is not be anti-Korea, it just IS THE TRUTH. Only in the past ten or twenty years has the government permitted by law adoption by CIVIL CODE LAW (where there is no background checks only between mother, lawyers, and mid-wives/marriage fixers) and Domestic adoptions (through the Four Adoption Agencies processing). According to government statistics, overseas adoptions peaked during the 1970s and ‘80s. Between 1953 and 1968, fewer than 1,000 children were sent away for overseas adoption annually. This figure rose sharply: in 1969, 1,192 children were sent; in 1970, 1,932; in 1971, 2,725; and in 1985, 8,837. Throughout the 1970s and 1980s, 113,568 children were sent for overseas adoption ― more than half of all overseas adoptees in the last six decades. During the 1970s and ‘80s, “economic development” was the national motto of our society. In view of this, “child export” was used as a tool that promoted economic development and created wealth in our country. In 1988, Matthew Rothschild of The Progressive magazine pointed out that a Korean adoption agency received $5,000 per child as a fee from abroad in return for an overseas adoption. This went up to $10,000 per child by 2000 ― what a land of economic prosperity! What? From 1988 to 2000 cost of living, care, medical, etc all went up. Is the dear Pastor Kim suggesting that there was more profit made by the adoption agencies? Oh, so only they raised 'prices'? Through the figure given by The Progressive, we can estimate that throughout the 1970s and 1980s, Korea earned between $20 and $40 million annually from the overseas adoption business. At that time, if any Korean company exported even $1 million in goods, they were acknowledged by the government. Incidentally, it is quite common to find letters of appreciation sent in the 1970s by Korean ambassadors to adoptive parents in Europe. Given this information, it is plausible that in the 1970s, the Korean government itself was the main driving force promoting overseas adoption as a national policy. The Onus is on all Korean people because they have not yet, not yet found the social and religious desire to provide for all of their children. Now with a recent lack of Female Korean women who want to live in rural areas and the high male/female ratios of the '80's and '90s MULTICULTURAL MARRIAGES number over 167,000 and their MIXED-BLOOD CHILDREN are over 120,000 (oh of course, there are the ten percent of failed marriages but look at the divorce rate in Korea...Rising every year). Korea must deal with the fact that they are NOT Homogenous any more. HAHAHA, I laugh because there are still many Koreans who ARE Prejudiced, BUT I am Proud to say that more and more Koreans ARE CHANGING FOR THE BETTER. The new HoNurRah children are breaking into the Korean Society and bringing change of heart in their schools and communities. THAT is great, and may influence the social issues concerning SINGLE Parenthood, Family Preservation if possible, Adoption as being okay if necessary. There is no BLACK OR WHITE but a Grey Scale of situations and solutions, in This Thing of Ours-Adoption.   By sending nearly 200,000 children for overseas adoption to date, the government may have saved a considerable amount of money. In this respect, the overseas adoption policy killed two birds with one stone. On one hand, it brought in hard currency, while on the other hand, it cut welfare costs. It is clear that the government systematically promoted overseas adoption and used children as a tool for economic development while neglecting its duty to protect children’s rights. I agree with some of Pastor Kim Do-Hyun's logic, especially concerning the Korean Government. However, I believe he needs to also focus on Korean Society's part in all these issues. What of the Christian church, and of the Buddhists? I personally have heard dozens of Protestant Pastors and deacons tell me that they would NEVER adopt, even secretly because it was traditionally not allowed. Can you believe that, that a Christian who is "Adopted into the Family of GOD" would not adopt a child who is not blood related? And would they support an Unwed Mother? NO, they told me, because she was sinful in getting pregnant! WELL, that is not the God of my bible, who indeed adopted those who believe in Jesus Christ as equal members of the family of God. Yet the ability to process this is difficult, that I can call God, "Daddy"! Whoa, that has not yet completely been understood by myself, but I believe it. There are all the challenges of being adopted in this world, the uncertainties and identity issues. I think that the Korean churches need to revisit the issues of Adoption again...but that is for another day. Pastor Kim Do-hyun is a director of KoRoot, a nonprofit organization that provides assistance to Korean children who had been adopted overseas. He can be reached at: master@koroot.org. ******************************************** The KWB does want to say that dear Pastor Kim and his dedicated wife have provided great care for Korean Adoptees at KoRoot. Over the years they have provided a great place for adoptees and family members when they come to visit Korea. We differ on small points but the KWB respects his tireless efforts on behalf of all KADs. Let's all try to FIX the present issues and attitudes of the Korean Society, for it is ONLY when Korean people change completely that the need for all the Disabled, Unwanted, children still being adopted BOTH In Korea and Overseas can be reduced Gradually. Let's work together!

DEPORTATION???!!! Happening Already. GET MAD AS HELL!!!

The Korean War Baby Angerly NOTES:

I AM MAD AS HELL

AND I AM NOT GONNA TAKE IT ANYMORE!!!

No matter where one sits on the Spectrum of being For or Against Intercountry Adoption (ICA, formerly known by TransCultural/transracial/etc) the outrageous NONSENSE that is happening with Deportation of those who were adopted INTO another country raises the Korean War Baby’s blood pressure.
The issue at hand is that an number of Adoptees some with NO CITIZENSHIP at all (many early KADs were never even documented as born in Korea because they had not been put into a family registry, not just ‘mixed-blood’ but also out of wedlock children). Over time adjustments were made and laws changed in “Sending” countries.
PLEASE read carefully and add YOUR VOICE (It will only take a few precious minutes in your life-PLAY THE FARM GAME LATER) to help correct this. For you who give a damn, pass this link to your FACEBOOK, TWITTER, Myspace, LINKEDIN, other Social Media Networks.

MY FELLOW ADOPTEES, ADOPTIVE FAMILIES, EVEN BIRTH FAMILIES, LET’S GO VIRAL ON THIS!! IT AFFECTS ALL.

I WANT YOU TO GET FUCKING MAD!!! WE ARE HUMAN BEINGS, GOD DAMN IT, OUR LIVES HAVE MEANING.

IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH WHINING ABOUT BEING ADOPTED FROM WHEREEVER…WE SHOULD BECOME US CITIZEN IMMEDIATELY!!!! All of us MUST BE INCLUDED.

COME ON, GET OFF YOUR BUTTS, COPY AND PASTE THE LINK.

Human Rights Petition: Citizenship for All US Intercountry Adoptees | Change.org
Why This Is Important
Thank you for supporting the petition for CITIZENSHIP FOR ALL US INTERCOUNTRY ADOPTEES. Korean Focus urges you to also sign the petition to STOP THE DEPORTATION OF RUSSELL GREEN AND OTHER ADOPTEE IMMIGRANTS.
Start of petition for CITIZENSHIP FOR ALL US INTERCOUNTRY ADOPTEES:
"The Child Citizenship Act of 2000 allows certain foreign-born, biological and adopted children of American citizens to acquire American citizenship automatically. These children did not acquire American citizenship at birth, but they are granted citizenship when they enter the United States as lawful permanent residents (LPRs)." U.S. Department of State
One of the requirements of the Child Citizenship Act of 2000 (CCA 2000) was that the adoptee be under the age of 18 on its effective date, February 27, 2001. International adoptees 18 and older were not granted citizenship under its provisions. Some, but not all, obtained citizenship through their own efforts or those of their adoptive parents. Of those who did not, many were unaware that they lacked this legal protection. Being without citizenship while believing they possessed it placed these intercountry adoptees at risk of violating U.S Federal law through no fault of their own by representing themselves as citizens upon return to the United States at any port of entry (including Canada and Mexico), applying for public benefits (including Federal education aid), or voting in Federal or other elections.
Further, strict immigration policies under the Illegal Immigration Reform and Immigrant Responsibility Act of 1996 increased the risk of deportation. This law does not provide for “discretionary relief,” which would allow the unique circumstances that led to an adoptee's lack of citizenship to be taken into consideration in determining outcomes. Adoptees have faced deportation and have been deported to countries in Asia, Latin America and Europe - countries unknown to them in every way: language, culture, family or friends. Additionally, adoptees without citizenship who travel to their countries of birth may be subject to laws there that prevent their return to the United States.
Reliable statistics for adoptee deportation do not exist, but individual cases demonstrate the complexity of the issue and the staggering emotional impact to adoptees and their families, as demonstrated by these examples, which are just a few of the cases that have occurred:
Joao Herbert was adopted from Brazil at the age of eight by a family in Ohio. A charge for attempting to sell marijuana, although a first offense, landed him in immigration detention, after which he was deported to Brazil in 2000. Joao Herbert was murdered in Brazil in May 2004.
Korean adoptee Matthew Scherer learned he lacked citizenship when he applied for a U.S. passport. He subsequently obtained permanent resident status, but upon traveling to Korea was identified by the Korean government by his original Korean name and now is blocked by Korean law from returning to the U.S. and threatened with conscription into the Korean army.
Jennifer Haynes was adopted at eight from India and sexually abused by her adoptive father, after which she passed through 50 foster homes on her way to adulthood. Married to a U.S. citizen and mother of two young children, Haynes was nonetheless deported to India in 2008.
Adopted as a toddler from Thailand in 1979 by a family in Florida, John Gaul completed a sentence for theft and check fraud in 1996 after the new immigration law went into effect. A judge was prevented under the new law from acknowledging adoption as an extenuating circumstance, and he was deported to Thailand in 1999.
Tatiana Mitrohina was born in Russia in 1978 with physical deformities that led to her adoption at fourteen to California. She suffered from childhood-related PTSD and postpartum depression. Following a charge of abuse of her son, the court recommended counseling and medication, but Immigration and Customs Enforcement have detained her in preparation for deportation.
The United Nations Convention on the Rights of the Child states in Article 21(c):
"States Parties that recognize and/or permit the system of adoption shall ensure that the best interests of the child shall be the paramount consideration and they shall:
(c) Ensure that the child concerned by inter-country adoption enjoys safeguards and standards equivalent to those existing in the case of national adoption;"
The legal protection of citizenship in the country to which an adoptee was brought and in which he or she was raised is the most important such safeguard, as it is the only safeguard that provides lifelong legal status. It should be enjoyed by all intercountry adoptees, just as it is enjoyed by adoptees born as U.S. citizens and adopted within the United States.
We the undersigned therefore demand that the United States Congress:
1. Take appropriate acton to immediately grant U.S. citizenship to all intercountry adoptees not included in its provisions.
2. Following the granting of citizenship, direct appropriate U.S. government agencies to:
a) Assist intercountry adoptees with obtaining proof of citizenship.
b) Provide intercountry adoptees traveling overseas with the permits required to allow their reentry into the United States.
c) Return all deported intercountry adoptees to the United States, regardless of the cause of deportation.
We look to the co-chairs (Senator Mary Landrieu, Senator James M. Inhofe, Congresswoman Michele Bachmann, Congresswoman Karen Bass) and members of the Congressional Coalition on Adoption, who promote adoption in the United States and therefore bear a particular responsibility to ensure that U.S. adoption laws protect their primary constituency, to lead the effort to correct the denial of this important safeguard.

HalfKorean.com Hosts Event for MixKor

MixKor Picnic_Dinner_Karaoke

HalfKorean.com had another event where Mixed Koreans came together to celebrate their differences and commonalities. Check out their FaceBook pages and websites. http://www.halfkorean.com/

 

Sunny Jo's Facebook Survey on Pro's, Con's, and Various views on "Should InterCountry Adoptions from Korea Continue"

OOPS! This link above is no longer active since Sunny Jo unfortunately "Unfriended" me. sigh...

·         Don Gordon Bell · Answered Pro and Necessary Option

There will always be a necessity to allow ICA from Rep. of Korea (South Korea) because the Korean people will only adopt those it secretly wants and reject any child premature, with physical or mental defects, abandoned by both parents, and those whose mothers are unwed and unsupported by the government. WHEN Korean so...ciety changes their attitudes on Orphans/Adoption to be more open and accepting then the number of ICA would almost stop. That is another generation away. Don't use the "Korean should or ought to because they are well off" because they don't 'buy it'. It is NOT the economy but social prejudices and lack of government support for the unwed mothers by their OWN families who may demand abortion or adoption as the options.

Support Family Preservation yes, but the reality is that still 66% of Unwed Mothers (agreed upon term by all) DO choose to give up their children. Can we demand that they keep their children? Of Course not. To just stop ICA adoptions is not the solution. The number each year of babies born to Unwed Mother that are Civil Code Law Adoptions are 50% (Which by the way cannot be done IF ROK signed the Hague Conventions-they would have to stop all of the CCLA if they really wanted to sign); so called Domestic (by the four main adoption agencies) account for 25%; and the last 25% are in fact the only ICA from ROK. That again is breaking the MYTH that Koreans don't adopt, THEY DO but secretly because of the social pressures. Even among Christian families only 5-10 percent tell the child later that they were adopted.

Keep working on bringing more support for Unwed Mothers, prevention programs for teens/university students, promotion of adoption Openly, persuading the Korean people to accept us Adoptees both Domestic (including the unknown Adoptees) and Foreign. CHANGE comes SLOWLY but it is happening with the society. In 1999 only 5% of Unwed Mothers kept their babies, but by 2009 over 37% kept their babies. BUT each year only 3% of the Disabled are adopted by the Korean people. WHERE THE FUCK DO THEY GO, people? TO FOREIGNERS thru InterCountry Adoption. Now tell me again why all ICA should be stopped...I will tell you to go jump into a lake.

The Korean War Baby

READ THE REST OF THE LIVELY REBUTTAL BETWEEN SUNNY JO AND MYSELF on her link.
  

WELL, Sunny Jo has complained that her Facebook Wall is private...I find this unusual in that she is asking for others to vote on a survey and comment on A PUBLIC FORUM. Now communication between Wall-to-Wall that is more personal, almost email/chat. However, if anyone comments on an issue on someone's WALL they must want others to read it. 

HOWEVER, wanting good relations and good will, I invite all to use the link and go to Sunny Jo's Survey for Adoptees (Korean Adoptees), read all the comments, leave your own comments if you wish to (remembering that everyone CAN read what you write).

I have no personal agenda other than encouraging others to partake of this survey that Sunny Jo has put on her PUBLIC WALL of her FaceBook page. Please post your comments on this complex issue on Sunny Jo's link.

The Korean War Baby encourages all adoption discourse. A Multi-tiered approach may be the best even now in this day and age. Adoption is not the perfect solution, each individual may have different life experiences. Abortion is sadly a fact used for 'birth control' in South Korea (ROK), yet women have the Right to Choice. He strongly disagrees with some principles of those who oppose continuing InterCountry Adoptions from Korea based on the conditions of the Korean society.

The  Korean War Baby strongly believes in open discussions, keeping respect for individuals and their opinions. Get involved and state your opinions. Only you can bring about changes to improve the way adoptions are done, or not done.

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6 comments:

Sunny Jo said...

you do NOT have (and have not asked for) permission to x-post my or other ppl's replies! you have taken content from my private FB account, overruling my privacy settings, and published in another forum without my knowledge or permission. this is NOT ok! plz remove all references to my or other ppl's replies immediately.

July 16, 2011

Korean War Baby said...

Dear Sunny Jo, I am sorry but I did not consider your FB WALL as a privacy issue. Help me here, you ask people to make comments that others can see and read, comment on and agree or disagree with. I did not think that I needed permission from you or anyone, since I linked back to your survey and encourage other KAD's to VOTE on your survey. I am not piggybacking and will consider removing your comments if you so desire. WALL comments are public not private, however Chat, email, and Wall-to-Wall I would consider PRIVATE since they are between two persons OR a GROUP of 20.

July 20, 2011

Sunny Jo said...

my wall is NOT public! only my friends can see it. regarding the survey, it might be open for everyone to vote and comment, but it is still not ok to x-post, paraphrase or in other ways redistribute. your lack of understanding this disgusts me. you are no longer my friend.

July 23, 2011

Korean War Baby said...

Dear Sunny Jo, As you see on my blog I have respected your request to take off your 'private' survey. Sorry, but again I do not believe that I violated your privacy but in the interests of civility took yours and my comments off. Please don't be offended, I am attempting to understand you in this matter. Let's try to work out our differences and continue to discourse on this thing of ours-adoption, in OPEN debate. We don't have to be friends but I don't consider you less than a prominent and respected voice in these matters. I DO respect your views, and only thought that by posting on my blog it would help others to take part in your survey. My humble apologies.

August 03, 2011

Sunny Jo said...

if you have all this 'respect' for me, i think it is really disrespectful to throw out all these 'claims' about my life, to support your own POVs. e.g. "I was led to understand that was after DNA confirmation and that you were meeting for the first time" - we never did any DNA-tests and never claimed we did. "I am not lying but you have written that you were kidnapped, as per your posting on the web. BUT then WHO kidnapped you?" - grandma kidnapped me, and she admits to it. i know koreans do not consider it a kidnapping when it is done by a relative, but IMO it's no less of a kidnapping. i could go on and on about claims you have made about me, my life and my story which have no basis in reality. my book is available from www.truepeny.com or by contacting thomas park clement. if it had 'only' been this last x-posting, i wouldn't mind. but i've seen your witch hunt and attacks of everyone who disagrees with you, of GOAL and other KADs who try to make a difference, and i do not in any way shape or form condone such behaviour. you have a right to your own opinion, but you have no right trying to stuff it down other ppl's throats by refusing to listening to their POVs and arguments.

August 04, 2011

Korean War Baby said...

dear Sunny Jo, I do have respect for you personally. The so called 'claims' I have been careful to say are my recollections of the events. Your Grandma (Paternal who I never met either of them) got rid of you and your brother. I do consider it kidnapping, similar to what happened to Bret of "Resilience" when his mother (see I don't call her 'birthmother' due to the circimstances) found out that her own family had left him at the home of the biological 'father'. It was his family that abandoned or arranged for someone to pretend that he had been abandoned. These stories MUST be published and in the Korean language to show them what has happened on some cases. The Civil Code Law Adoptions do number about double of the Domestic adoptions (Domestic is about 90,000 through the four adoption agencies-HoltKorea, KSS, Eastern, SWS). When and IF the country adopts the Hague Conventions then abuses such as your situation will be stopped. I do not refuse to listen to other POV's and arguments, in fact I joined ASK and TRACK and diligently studied their positions. As for GOA'L and their fake election process I had to speak out against the mockery I saw. Persons who DO hold your position of stopping ICA and In-country Adoptions (Both Domestic and Civil Code Law)planned to take over GOA'L by their deceit and European NGO laws of order. I have addressed these in my blog and brought them to the light of day. Those in leadership were selected not elected, and board members who are AGAINST all adoption run the show. GOA'L's neutrality is no longer a reality. I have read much of that which is out online. I seek to find a Balanced position and reject extremism on both sides, such as a few Adoptive Families or Prospective Adoptive Families that hurl abuse at those who oppose continuing ICA. My points are that Korea is not yet THERE yet. The society is slowly changing and it must be the Korean people to complete that themselves. I am not racist, just a pragmatist and observer that it will take more time. Women's rights are still way behind, No? Attitudes concerning Adoption, Orphan, Blood-lines, Single Parenting, and many other things ARE slowly evolving. YES, I agree with you Koreans can do it. BUT I disagree strongly with some of the outrageous statements made by a few of those who think by just shutting down InterCountry Adoptions that the country will then change. Acceptance of change must be a combination of Laws and Attitudes. In the USA more and more Multicultural marriages/relationships are accepted but there will ALWAYS be some who are prejudiced. At the present time Korean is NOT willing nor able to take care of the babies born each year and give up by Unwed Mothers (gov. term) or abandoned by their parents. Don't they deserve a chance to have a HOME, even in a foreign land? I believe that many KAD's agree with me. I don't believe that any 'Online Survey' captures the real numbers. Even "Evan B. Donaldson's Adoption Institute" recorded only 167 KADs to take their survey in 2008. The ones who are active on the internet do not represent accurately the total because is is not scientifically done. So the Korean War Baby will not do a survey either.

August 05, 2011

Guidelines for Birth Family Search (Reposted)

The Korean War Baby reposts this earlier post (with links to four major Adoption Agencies) in light of the recent cutbacks by the Ministry of Health, Welfare, and Family Affairs on supporting certain NGOs on Birth Family Searches. Apparently the cutbacks do NOT affect the four major Adoption Agencies own Post Adoption Services nor K-Care (which is being developed to be the central authority on Adoption for the government in accordance with preparations to be able to sign the Hague Conventions on Adoption).


Korean War Baby

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GuidelinesBirthFamilySearch


Guideline for Post-Adoption Services (Family Search)

Division of Family Support
The Ministry for Health, Welfare,
and Family Affairs

These are the basic guidelines from the Korean Government. Any Korean Adoptee, Adoptive Parent/family, Birth Family members, adoption professionals should go and copy this to their PDF files. This will help to understand the standardization that is being attempted to use the same forms, and is a step in the right direction.

REMEMBER IF YOU ARE A KOREAN ADOPTEE, Maybe you are NOT ready yet to search but REQUESTING your files may help you to understand your circumstances better. You may then decide to make further steps to try to make contact. Study and read, TALK with friends and Adoptive Family about what you FEEL and your thoughts. BE OPEN, for you own sake and your loved ones. Special Note: Ask for scans of Korean documents as these sometimes provide information that is not translated. Get your own sources for translation (go to a local Korean church) because it is better to have two opinions on things.

Pg. 6

2. Application Process

• Adoptees or adoptive parents who live overseas may request a birth family search from the central authority of the adoptive country or their co-operating agencies, or request through KCARE or the adoption agencies in Korea.
• Adoptees or adoptive parents who live in Korea may request a birth family search from the adoption agencies, or from KCARE if information from the agencies are insufficient.

Required Documents :
- Post-adoption services application form,
- Adoptee's ID card (e.g. passport, driver's license),
- Adoptive parents' ID cards, and a parental consent form (for adoptees under 18)
- Photograph of the requester(taken within the last 6 months),
- Other related documents and pictures from the original adoption that might help with the birth family search.
Note THIS on Pages 7-8:
4. Deadlines and Notifications

• A. Disclosure at the Beginning of Application
  KCARE and the adoption agencies should disclose the following items to the requester at the beginning of the service :
• Service may be limited when it is difficult to locate an adoption
  triad(adoptee, adoptive family, or birth family) or when a triad (member) does not wish to be contacted (e.g. phone calls, mails, etc).
• If an adoption triad(adoptee, adoptive family, or birth family) has been notified of a search and does not wish to be contacted or be reunited, no additional request will be made until the refusing entity changes his/her mind.
• No information will be released when the birth family or adoptive family did not authorize the release of their information at the time of the adoption.

Page 8: Application for Post-Adoption Services
This is the form that is used by all Adoption Agencies Post Adoption Services sections.
NOTE: THEY DO NOT REQUIRE but it is a good idea to have the document taken to a Notary Public with Identifying documents. A scan of your PASSPORT, Driver’s Licence, or other ID with Photo and signature should be sent also.
KCare is the Korean Central Adoption Resources quasi-government entity that has been working for just over a year. Remember that they have only a few facts digitized on cases, what they will do is help to direct to the main Adoption Agencies. IF YOU KNOW THE ADOPTION AGENCY, just GO directly to their Post Adoption Services section:
Social Welfare Society (SWS) Post Adoption Services
Korean Social Services (KSS) Post Adoption Services
Eastern Social Welfare Society (ESWS) Post Adoption Services
Holt-Korea Post Adoption Services


In turn the orphanage/baby home/etc. that one was FIRST brought to will be contacted. Your files should have that information in them. However, do remember that sometimes the orphanage or home has closed and some records may or may not be included. You will be told what happened to the orphanage or home.


****************************************************************************

K-Care
"Korea Central Adoption Resources" 

Try these links for Birth Family Search (IF you know the Adoption Agency that processed your adoption from Korea go directly to them. For information on the process check these links out. It is a standardized method that the Korean government is using.)  KWB

 

webzine.kcare.or.kr/eng_Kcare_1003/
K-Care Birth Family Searches

Download #1: 입양사후관리지침(영문)_090806.pdf Download: 6

Guideline for Post-Adoption Services (Family Search)

Aug. 6. 2009

Division of Family Support
The Ministry for Health, Welfare, and Family Affairs

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The Korean War Baby notes this:

In light of the current cutbacks from the Min. of Health, Welfare, and Family Affairs- We wonder WHEN WILL K-CARE get its act together and become what it is supposed to be...The central authority on Adoption. Nothing has been updated for months and if they are to truly be the Central Authority then they must do things better, advertise their services, provide more information, etc.

Send your thoughts to them at 

kcare@kcare.or.kr

 

Technorati Tags: post adoption services,adoption agencies korea,request form,KCare,SWS,KSS,ESWS,Holt Korea

Reunion is a Journey

picasaweb.google.com/dgordonbell/Kelly31stBirthday_May1_2011

Last May 1st, 2010, the Korean War Baby had the honor and previlege of assisting in helping to find the birth family of a young Korean Adoptee. It was only through a long process in which Adoption agencies, orphanage, InKas, and many others gave their time, energy, efforts, to help bring about a reunion. The KWB did not do this alone, rather he just helped bring things along, learning about all the personal issues that are involved in this emotional journey. Last year, things worked out that on the exact day of Kelly's 30th birthday, she heard from her birth family as they sang happy birthday in both English and Korean languages.  These photos are from May 1st, 2011, when the KWB and his wife Nancy traveled down again to connect Kelly on Skype with Young Nam, her oldest brother, her birth mother and father. We were able to interview them on exactly WHAT happened years ago, to answer a question we did not know, WHY were they give up? Video was also taken as the family tearfully explained the tragic circumstances surrounding those events.

Through the year Kelly and her sibling have had to deal with all the complex issues that only a few KAD's have to face, joining only 2,400 who had made contact with birth family in Korea. All the issues are being faced by their Adoptive Family, Birth Family, and both siblings. Kelly's last name must remain secret at this time, since the other sibling has NOT chosen to proceed. These things happen, especially with an older child who may harbor more pain, resentment, feelings of anger, loss and abandonment. This is to be expected with some even at the age of three or four. Adoption professionals have found that even at the separation at birth some adoptees have Attachment Disorders with their adoptive families.

Reunion with birth family is never easy, frought with an emotional rollercoaster and challenges. Kelly may soon take the step to visit them, and is writing on her experiences. We hope that she and her sibling, her entire Adoptive Family and the Birth Family continue on their journey of life.

With recent cutbacks on Post Adoption Services and Birth Family Searches, organizations such as GOA'L (Global Overseas Adoptee's Link), InKas (International Korean Adoptees Services), and even the four major Adoption Agencies, will NO LONGER be able to assist Korean Adoptees very well. We must find a way though to continue this function, which is vital to many Adoptees. Again, though not all KAD's are ready for extensive searching, such as newspaper articles and television show appearances. Many who come first on 'motherland tours' or their own visits can find the Adoption Agencies online, request files in advance before arriving. There are proceedures that you may find on the many websites (Search on my blog for the name of your adoption agency for a link, or just google them).

Yes reunion is a long process, one that requires much patience, open mind, open heart. Be sure to talk with everyone in your family about even beginning a search, as in Kelly's case things moved very quickly. Read all you can about the issues, from many different sources. Be prepared for the unexpected, drawing back at times, confusion, testings, and many other pitfalls. But we can learn so much from others sharing their feelings and experiences of their own. We look forward to hearing from Kelly, when she is ready to share. Are YOU considering searching? Push forward with bated breath and we all hope you may have a 'successful reunion'.

Adoption Blogs site

• http://www.adoptionblogs.com/
• 42 Ties and I Have None
• Thankful They Are Adopted
• The Bio-Bond
• 15 months Down the Road
• Reading and Puddin’ Update
• Grand Central Station
• Why Christian Adoption Works
• Is Birthparent Contact What’s Best for the Kids?
• Never Saying Goodbye – Part 1
• Sane Licensing and Renewal

42 Ties and I Have None Posted: 15 Jun 2011 08:10 AM PDT He missed out on 42 cards and 42 ties.  He missed the day I took my first step, said my first word, hit my first ball, dated my first girl, married my first(and only) wife, had my first two(and only two) kids, and I’m not sure he even knew the opportunities he was missing. My biological father had an affair with my biological mother, a coworker.  My mother had me, gave me up for adoption, and never said anything else about me or their affair.  I am not sure he knew anything about me, although working with a woman you had “relations” with and seeing her stomach swell would cause some concern, you would think.  The beauty of the mind is it can create connections, make up stories, and absolve us of any responsibility.  Since my biological mother was married, who’s to say the increase in belly circumference wasn’t due to her husband. So maybe he didn’t know or didn’t want to know.  After all, my non-identifying information that I received from the adoption agency tells me he already had children of his own from his own marriage.  Therefore, maybe he already had enough ties, saw enough first steps, heard enough first words, witnessed enough first dates, weddings, grand kids and opportunities.  Why would or should one more mean anything? Because it was mine. Over those 42 Father’s days, I can’t say I thought a lot about my biological father.  That statement does not come from a bitter corner of my heart and is not said to inflict retaliatory pain.  It is said honestly and matter-of-factly.  The emotion that should be connected to this person was never planted so it never grew and that is a shame.  Every now and then I run back to that little patch of heart-space where that feeling should be hoping the beginnings of something will show; hoping a small, tiny, curled up leaf will be breaking through the flesh of my heart right next to my right coronary artery or from underneath my left anterior descending artery. Logically, it makes sense.  How can I feel a connection to something I never had a connection with.  But hope and the fact that so many have that connection to their biological father  makes me stroll by that place straining to see the first sign of growth from this germinating seed. Nothing. This week I reached out to test this absence of feeling.  I wrote a check and signed the paperwork to begin the process of locating my biological father.  Since his co-worker/my biological mother never shared with anyone his name, no one but the adoption agency knows his name.  To get his name, that was typed out clearly by a manual type writer and added to MY file that I can’t get access to,  I had to petition the probate court of Wayne County, Michigan to allow access to MY file.  Once that was done,  the court gave access to MY file, to a court appointed intermediary, an unrelated third party, who will open my file, get MY biological father’s name and begin the search.  Although, the intermediary is appointed by the court, she is paid by me.  Last Wednesday, I wrote the check and signed the agreement to move forward in this unjust process. Now I wait and calculate and strategize.  I calmly run through possible scenarios like a pilot would run through a checklist prior to a flight. If he’s alive and willing to meet, request a meeting. —–If the meeting goes well… —–If the meeting doesn’t go well… If he’s alive and unwilling to meet, hope shrivels and dies; the heat too intense for survival. —–Hope could still live in another relative that wants to meet. If he’s dead, request a death certificate, search for an obituary tied to the name that is now released because dead people can’t object to their privacy being violated.  In the obituary search for names of relatives and reach out to them; knowing I maybe the one who has to tell someone their father, brother, uncle, cousin had an affair 43 years ago.  Request a meeting. —–If that meeting goes well… —–If  that meeting doesn’t go well… The possibilities branch out like roots from a tree moving and sprawling in every direction; over and back, reaching and clawing for room to grow. My hope is that through the stress, as I plod forward in a mechanical and logical way, a connection to my DNA will water and feed that small dark and cold place in my heart.  My hope continues. From the stressful search, I will find someone who looks like me, acts like me, and someone who will accept me; be excited to find me. Someone who was looking for me. Someone who… Hope quickly grows into fantasy as it has since I can remember.  As a child, the thoughts of who I came from rode on my stream of consciousness and this simple question evolved in to an elaborate secret fantasy.  A fantasy that over the years got pushed further and further in to that dark corner because no one shared it with me.  No one came looking for me.  No one spoke about it in my home. I assume because they thought it would bring up too much pain. But ignoring my reality probably created more pain than was ever tied to this small seed. So I danced alone with this elaborate secret fantasy for many years and as most children do, I grew out of the need for this imaginary relationship;  frustrated with a relationship that only took and never gave.  I filed it away but occasionally I would return but never spending much time with it. Now I’ve come to a point where I just want it resolved.  I want a real story and not fantasy.  The unworthiness that attaches itself to adoption tries to convince me I don’t need this or I shouldn’t be entitled to answers.  But my ever-evolving,  I-deserve-more-attitude pushes through to find more of me in those answers. The unstoppable ball is in motion and soon the answer will come and I’m not sure how I will respond, if at all.  Maybe, I’ll find him alive and he will want to meet and at that meeting,  I can give him a Father’s day card and 43 ties… Photo credit

Thankful They Are Adopted Posted: 14 Jun 2011 09:42 AM PDT I was diagnosed with skin cancer six weeks ago, and today I am having the cancer surgically removed.  At times, I’ve given little thought to the mutated cells I have been carrying around, but other days, their existence has weighed heavily on me. This isn’t my first bout with cancer.  I was diagnosed with breast cancer 15 years ago, the cancer that precipitated the adoption of my daughters.  My breast cancer was genetic, my skin cancer is not. But, it is days like today that I thank God Elle and Bunny are not my biological daughters.  Everyone has their own unique sets of genes, the blueprint that makes us who we are.  Sometimes the genes are harmless, like whether one is male or female, or if they have blue eyes or green, and whether the blonde hair is real or if it will need to be chemically enhanced.  And sometimes, the mutations are deadly. advertisement I come from a family with a strong history of breast cancer, heart disease, and fair skinned, blue eyed blondes.  I may be genetically predisposed to certain diseases, but I also need to control my environment more.  I need to live a heather life, I need to be more proactive with my health, and I need to wear more sunscreen. As I look at my daughters, I am so thankful they have dark hair, dark eyes, and dark skin.  I know they have their own genetic makeup that may challenge us one day.  And I know genetics isn’t everything.  Bad things can still happen. But just for today, as I carry the fear and anxiety of my own genetic makeup in with me to the doctor’s office, I am relieved my daughters don’t share everything with me and aren’t carbon copies of myself. For today, I am relieved they are adopted. Photo Credit.

The Bio-Bond Posted: 13 Jun 2011 01:43 PM PDT I recently read an interesting Newsweek article about adopted twins.  The two girls were abandoned in China about a week apart and ended up in the same orphanage.  Eventually both were adopted by U.S. families; they lived hundreds of miles apart but somehow, they “knew” they had a sister.  Eventually, DNA tests proved the girls were, in fact, twins.  Coincidentally, their adoptive mothers had both named them Meredith. Their amazing story became part of a study on twins separated at birth. I grew up with one “full” sister and two “half” brothers.  My mother divorced and remarried when my sister and I were very young.  All of them were the same to me; we were raised as one family and no distinction was made between my sister and the boys.  I also have two half-brothers through my birth father.  I knew little of these boys growing up and only met them once as a young adult.  Yet they are my family and I have always felt something “missing.”  I know my biological father had a dream of getting us girls together with those two, but he experienced a sudden illness that ended his life and our reunion with one of my half-brothers took place at our bio-dad’s funeral. Living over 2,000 miles apart, we’ve had little opportunity to really get to know each other. advertisement My older girls both have half-siblings elsewhere too.  They are very drawn to these individuals and hope, one day, to have relationships with them.  When my oldest met her half-sister a year ago, I was shocked by the physical similarity.  She connected more with her sister’s personality.  Though they’d never even met, somehow, they “knew” each other; it was truly amazing. I do not fully understand what it is in our “nature” that drives us to seek out our siblings and birth family.  But I know it is there.  The little Merediths and the other twins are helping to unlock the mysterious DNA part of the story.  The story confirmed what I have often suspected;  there is more to kinship than being raised together.  There is something in us that drives together and some needs that are met by these biological ties.  I think that science will one day underline the true importance of placing kids with their siblings and yes, I’m saying it, their relatives whenever possible.  It will be interesting to see all of what is learned from this study. Photo credit:  http://graphicsfairy.blogspot.com

15 months Down the Road Posted: 13 Jun 2011 01:02 PM PDT When “the littles” came to us at the end of February, 2010, they seemed, in many ways, alien.  Their faces and voices were unfamiliar.  Their habits were new to us.  We did not know what “made them tick” and we were strangers to them, as well. In many ways now it seems as if they have always been with us.   I can pick their voices out in a crowd, and when I am away from them–even for a short time–I am wondering about them and worrying if they are all right.  I cannot remember ever not loving them. Recently I asked a friend how she and her new adoptive daughter are getting alone.  What was she finding challenging?  Was it harder or easier than she thought it would be?  Her response so gelled with mine:  “She makes it easy to love her as a mother should. I did not expect that.” advertisement Her little daughter is not a saint, nor are any of my five children.  And yet children need to be loved and they make it easy for us to love them.  They want love and approval and permanency;  they care little about pretty rooms or popular toys.  Of course it is not all simple; it would be much harder with a 10 or 12 year old who had many more disappointments and rejections to get over. Yet it constantly amazes and impresses me that we humans are made to love.  We possess that capacity within us and often all that is needed is someonee to remind us that we want to love and be loved.  Sometimes, it just needs to be called out. So our “littles” are fully ours now, for better or worse.  They talk like us, they eat like us; they are part of us.  If anyone had told me in those first few challenging weeks that one day, we’d all be moving in concert in the same direction, I doubt I’d have believed them.  Yes, we still have challenges; yes every day of parenting is a new adventure; yes our creativity is often called upon.  But it is all very, very worth it. Photo credit:  Teresa Harper

Reading and Puddin’ Update Posted: 13 Jun 2011 12:30 PM PDT I heard from Puddin’s new mommy this week.  It was so gratifying to hear how they are doing.  They are getting used to each other and Puddin’ is starting to realize they are hers;  she has been introducing them to people they meet in the park.   She is making some friends in the neighborhood now.  Her grief sessions are fewer and farther between, and everyone is getting used to their new role in the family. My kids still talk about her regularly.  I am hopeful they will all get to see each other again some day.  When we sing our lullabies at night, there is a place where I substitute my children’s names for the word “baby” and the kids always sing “and Puddin’.”    That makes me smile. advertisement I am reading an interesting book called Foster Mom by Francine Hardaway.  She talks about how she pretty coincidentally came into the life of one struggling family and the various intersections between herself, the system and the family.  Eventually she becomes the custodial guardian of one of the children.  Like many foster parent, Francine came into the system “through the back door.”  This is an interesting story of how the state attempts (and often fails) to meet the needs of children, both before they come into “the system” and once they are in. What the book highlights to me is that there really are no easy answers.  In a society where drug abuse is common and the cycle of poverty is so hard to break, the “right” answers for children are few and far between.  It is astounding to me that while foster children (at least in my state) get excellent health and dental care; resources for impoverished families are much harder to come by.  I often wonder if having those resources earlier on might allow at least some of the families to be successful.  It’s a complex problem and a single solution does not exist. For me, I can only do my part.  I can advocate for and love the children placed in my care and advocate for change in our legislative system.  Sometimes, it really doesn’t seem like enough. Photo credit:  http://graphicsfairy.blogspot.com

Grand Central Station Posted: 08 Jun 2011 06:23 PM PDT I was watching a movie the other day that had a scene filmed in Grand Central Station, an iconic crossroads of New York City.  If you have ever been there, I don’t need to explain how beautiful and chaotic the place is, with the fabric of the human race rushing to and fro, from there to everywhere.  If you have never been there before, take my word when I say it is architectural beauty. It is also the last place I saw my first husband alive.  On the morning of his death, we said goodbye on the steps of the Grand Staircase, never knowing we were saying our last words, having our last kiss. advertisement I often think of that day, because central to it all was the adoption of our daughter, Elle.  We were so close to getting her, so close to seeing her picture, so close to travelling to Russia.  She was our topic of conversation during that morning’s commute.  What would she look like?  When would we see her?  Were we ready to be parents? I wonder if we said goodbye in a different spot, would the day have ended differently?  If we had stood on the Grand Staircase ten minutes earlier or ten minutes later, would fate have dealt us a different card?  If different people had brushed by us in their rush to work, would he still be alive? But, then I think about Elle.  If our goodbye had been one minute earlier or later, would Elle have been my daughter?  Would she have the same brown hair and eyes?  Would she have the same personality?  Or would she be a different child?  Adopted from a different place?  Perhaps to different parents? Fate. Our lives are all about fate.  At least, that is what my husband’s death has taught me.  Thirteen years have passed since his death, but I still wonder if it would be different had he lived.  A day doesn’t go by that I don’t think of him, or that I don’t miss him.  I see him in Elle’s smile, in her eyes, and I know he is responsible for her place in my life. Whenever I go back to New York, I make it a point to go to Grand Central Station.  I stand in the very spot I last stood with my husband.  I allow the memories to overcome me.  I remember.  I cry.  Then I wipe away the tears, and I go on. Because, he gave me a gift on that day.  He gave me the gift of my daughter. Photo Credit.

Why Christian Adoption Works Posted: 08 Jun 2011 03:05 PM PDT Aside from Jesus Christ, the only sinless man to ever walk on the face of the earth, nothing is perfect.  Christians are not perfect.  We mess up.  Every day brings another chance to try to get it right, but inevitably, we still fail at being anywhere close to the perfect parent or perfect spouse.   We can, however, get up every day and know that God’s mercies are new and we are still loved by Him. And it works.  We can continue to walk this path because we have an eternal hope in a God who sees all and knows all.  Above all else, He is a PERFECT God with PERFECT plans. As believers, we are called to holiness, and we are adopted as His children, to be loved by His unfailing, unconditional love.  He wants to lavish this love upon us. advertisement This is what we are called to model to our own children.  Because we live in an imperfect world, there are children who need families. When Christian believers step up and answer the call to adopt, we are sharing the love that God has extended to us with our adopted child.  If we allow ourselves to be used by God, as vessels of His love, we can be the vessel that pours His perfect love into the hearts of our children.  Some of our children come to us with very broken hearts, very wounded spirits.  Our family’s experience with adopting children at older ages has shown us just how deep some of these wounds can be, but we have also seen just how much deeper the love of God can flow into their hearts and help to heal their wounds. Again, nothing on this earth is perfect.  There is a factor of human free will and thought in the mix.  God’s love is amazing and the fact that He adopts us all into His family helps children understand their own adoption.  When a child opens his heart to the love of God and his new adoptive family, healing can abound.  We know this is not always the case, and some wounds cut so deeply into the hearts of children that they choose (either consciously or unconsciously in some cases) to close themselves off to the love that is offered to them.  I believe that at some point in their lives, however, they will see more clearly the love that has been offered to them and the value of this kind of love. When we let ourselves, as believers, be the vessel that God can use to pour His love into the lives of our children, healing and bonding can occur.  I believe that is why Christian adoptions work, because we are not only relying on our own strength to love and parent our children.  We have been given the gift of God’s all-knowing, all-powerful, ever-present, healing love. He is perfect.  His love is perfect.  I am not.  With God, adoption makes sense.  Let God’s love pour through you and into the lives of your children.  Let it be a soothing balm to whatever ails them.  Let His love be the glue that binds your family together.  It really works. Written by: Melissa Hoffman Photo Credit

Is Birthparent Contact What’s Best for the Kids? Posted: 08 Jun 2011 10:50 AM PDT The hardest decision my husband and I have had to make in the seven years since we got our kids is whether to allow contact between them and their birthparents. We first fostered, then adopted, a sibling group (ages 8, 5 and 16 months) who were taken away from their birthparents for substance abuse, domestic violence and mental illness. For the first two foster care years, the  birthmother had one visit with my daughter and no visits with either son. The birthfather had a handful of visits with all three kids as a group, but he missed many more than he kept. By the time the kids were freed for adoption, the birthparents had lied to them, stood them up for visits, and promised presents that never arrived. When we adopted the kids, the social workers told us it was our decision whether to continue any contact. advertisement For almost a year, we agonized over the decision and were very honest with the kids about it. We told them that we wanted them to have relationships with their birthparents, but only if they could be healthy. We told the kids that we didn’t want their hearts broken again. I believe the kids appreciated that we took it so seriously and were struggling to do what was best for them. We went back and forth trying to decide whether contact with drug addicts would harm our children more than forcing them to break off contact. Especially with our oldest son, then ten, who had talked about his birthparents every day for the first two years. In the end, we decided that the most important thing for our children was to have a strong family bond with us, and that forcing them to cut off contact with their birthparents would hurt that bond. We decided that even if the kids got hurt again, it was better to let them have a chance at healing those relationships with their birthparents. So we opened the doors to contact; called the birthdad on the phone, wrote the birthmom letters (the parents were divorced by then). The phone conversation was wonderful for all three kids, although I will never forget the birthdad saying to me during that call, “I won’t lie to you, Donna, I was a good father.” He said good-bye with all kinds of promises to keep in touch. We never heard from him again. We never heard from the birthmom in response to the letters. When my daughter turned nine, she begged for a visit with her birthmom. I called the mom and arranged for us all to meet at a park. My daughter followed her birthmom around desperately all afternoon until the birthmom told her, “You sure like to be the center of attention.” My daughter wrote a few letters to her birthmom after that but never got a response. My oldest son asked for a card and a stamp a few years ago on Mother’s Day to send his birthmom a card because he said he felt sorry for her. He never heard back from her either. It has been four years since then, and I know we made the right decision. It might not be the right decision for other families in our same situation, but it has worked out well for us. Our kids trust us more, knowing that we didn’t try to come between them and their birthparents. We have been there to comfort the kids when they sent their hopeful letters and received nothing in response. We eliminated a whole area of potential trouble, where our kids could have fantasized about how wonderful life would be if only they could be with their birthparents. We have a 15-year-old and a 13-year-old now, and we don’t need any extra drama. No matter how mad they get at us, it’s never, “I wish I were with my birthparents.” It has also been a very valuable, if painful, life lesson for my kids. We don’t always get what we want out of life. People let us down and disappoint us sometimes, even parents. It’s a humbling and sad truth, but it has helped me teach my kids compassion and forgiveness, for themselves and others. Written by Donna Voss Photo Credit Donna Voss

Never Saying Goodbye – Part 1 Posted: 06 Jun 2011 12:32 PM PDT One of the key benefits to an open adoption is that a relationship is formed between adoptive and birth families, so a “Goodbye” at the hospital isn’t really a goodbye, it’s more like a “see you later!” How often everyone decides to visit will be a very individual decision. Some birthmothers will get to see their baby again in a couple of weeks, or months. Others, like me, may have to wait years but will still have a written or verbal communication during that time. Every birthmother who kisses their baby goodbye at the hospital immediately begins to wonder about when the next kiss will get to come. advertisement Contrary to the many fears adoptive parents may have, a birthmother’s desire to see her child again has nothing to do with the role of “parent” and whether or not she is trying to reclaim it. I understand how scary it can be for adoptive parents – you’re just getting used to your role of “parent,” one you’ve waited a long time for, and even just the hint of it being removed or having to share it feels threatening. What I hope adoptive parents learn from my story, is that it is your role as parent that will give the birthmother the serenity she needs to continue to heal after her initial “goodbye.” She spent months imagining the family her child would become a part of, and getting to see that it was not a fantasy dream, but a reality, is extremely comforting. When you love someone, it is difficult to be away from them. You want to see their face, look into their eyes and say “I love you,” hold them, and just know they are happy and healthy. This is true for friends, relatives, and of course, our children. When birthmother’s get the chance to see their child again, these are the feelings they have. They simply miss someone they love and look forward to getting to tell them how much they love them once more. I had not expected to get to see my son again until he was an adult. And yes, I spent many hours daydreaming about that day and what it would look like. So, when he was 12 years old  and I received a letter from his mom saying he would like to meet me, I was stunned. I was so shocked and excited that when I called my own mother to tell her it came out more like, “e ants oo eet eee!” After some deep breaths I managed to get it out in english, and we cried together. After the initial excitement, worry began to set in. He was still a child after all, I had not thought about getting to see him while he was still young. I had imagined having a very adult conversation, probably starting by answering the question I was sure he would ask – “Why?” (To be continued…)

Sane Licensing and Renewal Posted: 06 Jun 2011 08:40 AM PDT It’s time for license renewal and all the assorted inspections, certifications and paperwork.  When we were licensed, all these little things seemed so daunting but be assured, it does get easier.  Here are my top five ways to stay sane while checking off the things I need to do: Use my calendar. Things that occur monthly, quarterly or annually are set to “repeat” on my calendar.  For example, each month I must submit a medication report; once a year I need to provide our driver’s licenses and car insurance.  By setting these things a few days or weeks before they’re due, I take the stress out of it. Remember my two cardinal rules: First,  each item is  easier than it sounds; Secondly, each thing takes longer than I think it “should.”  The takeaway from these two rules is, first, don’t procrastinate and second, only try to do one licensing item in any one day. advertisement Delegate where I can; Dear Hubby is in charge of the pet vaccinations; everyone helps keep the outlet covers on; everyone helps ready for the fire inspection. Work ahead. This is made easier by calendaring.   By setting everything ahead of it’s due date, I am not stressed if life (or a new child) intervenes and I can’t complete that item on that day. Don’t be afraid to ask for help.  Sometimes things get by me.  I just call the social worker, explain the situation and ask how we can proceed. My goals this year are to organize as I go.  If I notice I am running low on copies, I will make those copies right away and put them in my book.  Every piece of paper (inspection, etc.) will be immediately copied, filed, and mailed to the agency.  I am adding one new step this year, as well:  On my calendar record the date I mailed in each item.  A change of personnel at the agency last year resulted in some things being misfiled.  A date makes it easier for them to track down. That’s the plan — I’ll let you know how it goes! Photo Credit

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