SORRY, I GOT PUSHED BACK!Postponed!!! Yes, they did NOT even tell me that my episode on TVN Korean Cable channel was NOT this week but will be NEXT week...AaiiGooo Cham! Wed. the 17 at midnight (Korean time) was to be the first of several broadcasts but apparently it will be on Wed. 24th that it will start.
New (Possible Schedule): TVN Cable 270 on Skylife
Wed (24th) 00:00 Midnight
Sat. (27th) 22:00 PM
Sun. (28th) 05:00 am/ 6:50 am/ 15:50 pm
Mon. (29th) 22:00 pm
As I wait patiently to see how they present my case (Who knows what or how they will edit all the scenes) I worry about many things. Will I look 'too fat', 'too old', will they make me look stupid, etc. All vain worries, but valid for sure, then I began to think, "this is all worthless", "why did I do THIS program", "I will look foolish", "There is no way SHE will see this", "This was all for naught", etc.
Then I started to ask myself, "What will you SAY to her, what if it turns out to be the Wrong woman like some cases." I then realized that part of me, an ugly deep set part of me came up...I saw the other day a Korean mother with a boy about five and a baby in a stroller. She was struggling to get up the stairs at the subway, where there is no elevator. Many people were just passing her by, (this is the Confucian way "if you don't know someone, don't help them" though the younger generation under 40 some of them do help). Well, my Adoptive mother did teach us some good things, like chasing stray dogs through traffic to 'rescue' them. One of my favorite books in Middle school was "Don Quixote" by Miguel de Cervantes...well, you get the gist.
Well, I offered to help and when she nodded in assent, I picked up carriage with baby and took it up the stairs (slowly because I am an old fart now), set it down at the top and hurried away. I did not want her to be embarrassed because some people 'might' think we were a family, horrors. I was bowing back to her bow of thanks when IT struck me. IT was a thought that came out of nowhere, a voice within that came from deep within me. Was this "MY" thought? A thought from my deepest soul? I have to say these things first before I even write it down, for you, dear readers (all seven of you), for you to understand how utterly shocked I was to comprehend this, this weird thought that flashed in my mind:
"Just like my F*CKing mother! She gave us away, though!!!"
WHAT WAS THAT?!! Well, I was shocked, just shocked, to "FEEL" this emotion and couldn't believe this was even my thoughts. I turned away, wanting to get away from this place, trying to sort out "What was THAT?! That was not me...was it?" I struggled to think, "was this my thoughts or a thought planted by satan?" Theology students argue that some thoughts we have are from outside our minds, you know little demons sitting on our shoulders, speaking into our minds "just do it!", while an 'angel' hovers on the other side saying "no, don't do that!" But I have read a great deal about all that, unfortunately most of our horrible thoughts of murder, revenge, hatred, hurt, pain, sorrow, etc come from our experience and pain within. All day and since I have pondered this strange reaction to a woman, a Korean mother who sort of represents my own mother with two Half-Breed children of a Foreign Devil. (See my first post).
I have come to a conclusion. This astonishing thought is from deep within my mind, it is a combination of my "Five-year old mind, juxaposing (Overlaying) the Pain of rejection and abandonment, with the Anger that grew out of it." It is the only logical way for me to understand that I, I have deep, deep anger towards my birth mother who disappeared, abandoned me, left me to be flown away to another world. As an adult I can look at everything in rational and logical ways, but in my Inner Child is the Five-Year old mind confused and in pain. I knew in my mind, in cold logical ways all these things but was given an insight into the ugliness, the utter Darkness in my heart. "That stuff is in me? Yes...Wow, now what God? How can I meet my birth mother with THIS in me?"
Now some of my dear Adoptee brethern (male and female) might think to use this as a reason against InterCountry Adoption, how horrible adoption is for children. DON'T. I have made it clear that of course having both parents in a wonderful world is BEST. Anything less than that is progressively worse but certainly better than some of the options. Unwanted pregnancy without a willing husband is bad enough, but Abortion really sucks! Being abandoned by our birth mothers and fathers is the main issue.
(For those who talk about Cultural and Societal purity of being raised Korean rather than in a TransRacial society may have a point. I also agree with the idea that being raised by Ethnic Koreans for a "Pure-Blood" is preferable to a Trans-Racial Adoption. However, the facts remain that currently every year the number of available babies born and given up for adoption ONLY 50% of them are adopted by Ethnic Koreans. BUT the 90% of Korean Adoptee raised in SECRET in a Korean family will still have the Spirit of Abandonment in its spirit, they will KNOW inside that something is wrong, they know they don't LOOK like Korean parents and many find out someday, what they KNEW. "You were adopted" and they share what 20% of American Domestic adoptee also were never told, "you were adopted, you are not really our child". Late Discovery Adoptees website gives just some Americans stories of the shock of Late Discovery - Home ). Openness in Korean Adoptions are slowly growing. Trans-Racial adoptees have social adjustments of course, even for the Korean War Baby and other "Breeds". These are the Levels of Preference that I see in the Multi-tierred pyramid of Life that I am working on for a future post.
For NOW, I must deal with myself, try to understand what is going on inside myself. "Know thyself" is easier said than done. The Journey continues...God help me, and you.
If a person wishes to resolve anger or any other unwanted emotion, this guidebook and process will do it. They will help with anything you WANT it to help. Worked for me and others.
ReplyDeletehttp://www.biblicalconcepts.org/dvd.htm
It's a hot issue Don, look what Madonna and Brad Pitt are doing. I can't tell if it's right or wrong to move little kids to foreign cultures; as you said, half-breed children were abandoned and left behind in the streets. If you weren't given away by your mom, you probably would be dead by now for a long time already. You were given a chance to survive which you did, pray to God your mam is still alive so you can forgive her in person. It's hard to believe that there is any mother in the world who voluntary would give away her children without a serious reason. If she is still alive, she probably is going thru the same kinda feelings you're having right now. A mother never forgets her babies. Imagine she's having a hard time as well dude for half a century already, you'll know what to tell her when you happen to meet her.
ReplyDeleteShe still is your mother....
Part of my healing process is acknowledging all the different feelings I had - each motion has validity. I have found that it's not the emotion itself, which holds importance, but instead, what I did with the emotion.
ReplyDeleteTrying to bury it, doesn't get rid of it, but leaves it to be dealt with later. My advice is to open your heart to hear what your birth mother has to say, should you find her, and allow your healing process to unfold.
A piece of advice a friend gave to me, which changed my life...Focus on getting from A to B instead of A to Z. If you attempt to get to Z prematurely, fear will set in and you will be able to rationalize every obstacle, which eventually will result in you abandoning your goal.
It's like you said ...put it in God's hands. I think you already have found your passion to remedy your anger, but havent realized the full cathartic effect yet...which says to me...there is still much work to do. I know that feeling....healing isnt easy, but just you recognizing your emotion tells me, you are on the right path.
Lewis, thank you, I am looking into your site and the excellent resources. Never too late to learn.
ReplyDeleteBert, Inter-Country Adoptions have been controversial for many years. I believe that there is still a valid reason to send children Out of a country if there is few options for mothers to provide them a home. Trans-Racial Adoptions also have pros and cons. Korea simply does not provide a social network or family support for an unwed mother to raise her child. Thanks for your comments.
Btstormb2006- Yes thank you for your words of experience, "what I did with the emotion" is very important. Discovering such raw emotions has really surprised me though, "Focus on getting from A to B" really makes sense, I always try to figure everything out, can't do that here, learning that. "still much work to do", yes indeed. Reading your blog and others who have been many steps before me on the search/reunion path, gives me so much support. Thank you.
Lots of succes tonight in the first episode..
ReplyDelete