My Darkness My Correction

"Paint it Black"

Rolling Stones, Copyright

I see a red door and I want it painted black No colors anymore I want them to turn black I see the girls walk by dressed in their summer clothes I have to turn my head until my darkness goes I see a line of cars and theyre all painted black With flowers and my love both never to come back I see people turn their heads and quickly look away Like a new born baby it just happens evry day I look inside myself and see my heart is black I see my red door and it has been painted black Maybe then Ill fade away and not have to face the facts Its not easy facin up when your whole world is black No more will my green sea go turn a deeper blue I could not foresee this thing happening to you If I look hard enough into the settin sun My love will laugh with me before the mornin comes I see a red door and I want it painted black No colors anymore I want them to turn black I see the girls walk by dressed in their summer clothes I have to turn my head until my darkness goes Hmm, hmm, hmm,... I wanna see it painted, painted black Black as night, black as coal I wanna see the sun blotted out from the sky I wanna see it painted, painted, painted, painted black Yeah!

It has been 22 days since the Fake Sham Election at the GOA’L Annual General Meeting. In the first week from 27 March to 2 April I went ‘to the mattresses’ and literally declared WAR on those who have plotted and with the help of ineptness or wanton assistance from ‘leadership’ successfully “Politicized GOA’L.” I determined to expose the plan that the “Gang of 33” hatched many months ago.
If you have read my blog you can tell that “Something is awry with the elections” or perhaps thought “what is wrong with this guy? Sore loser?” So it must be explained what happened during the Week of Darkness from 27 March to 2 April, 2010.

During this mad mad week I began to put together posts that would show systematically how certain leaders planned to “politicize” a Korean Non-Government Organization, namely Global Overseas Adoptees’ Link. There are a small portion of KAD’s in the “Community of Korean Adoptees” world-wide that feel that Adoption in any form is horrible, takes away the rights of a mother, loses culture/language/birth family, and such sentiment is in league with some who were themselves Natural or Birth Mothers.

For the last couple of years I have tried to understand their feelings and opinions. I had joined both organization and attended steering meetings, gone to all the forums for Unwed Mothers Support Network, Korean Women’s Development Institute symposiums, read volumes of many writers, read entire blogs posts of many. In other words I became consumed with This Thing of Ours-Adoption.

BUT I DIGRESS.

During this mad week, I practically stayed home on the computer putting out a record number of posts. I was a ‘Man on Fire’, more than passionate, I was burning with Zeal. Problem IS that I was also ‘Slipping into Darkness’. I was not eating regularly, slept only after becoming exhausted. I neglected my health and was raging on emails, SHOUTING at those I once respected and trusted, I literally screamed like a madman at women I have known for several years!

I have no excuse for my behavior, friends and close advisors warned me to be careful, watch the ‘potty mouth’; I allowed the BLACK Rage inside me to have full control. By Friday the 2nd of April, which I had completely forgotten that it was Good Friday I came across a video, “Slipping into Darkness” by WAR. As I watched it I realized that “I was doing the same thing”, letting my personal ‘demons’ have total control.

I have decided NOT TO ALTER in anyway the content that I wrote, I will not sanitize what I wrote, for I have nothing to hide. But I have been Chastised and corrected by my maker.
All afternoon I had been feeling numbness and tingling on the left arm. Walking it out did not help, then I began to feel faint and pain in my chest. I thought “Uh oh…is this a heart attack?” Do you know that I had thought of “FAKING a heart attack” for the sympathy factor, (You see how MAD I had become?).

With April Fool’s Day on the First, I instead thought it would be BETTER to wait for the 6th of April, Harry Holt’s birthday and PRETEND something. I know you are laughing but I was serious, even told couple of friends NOT to worry if they heard about me having health problems. My friend Nick Nicholson WARNED me, “don’t mess with that shit! That’s BAD karma, dude”.

Friday afternoon, 2 April, I went to the kitchen and suddenly a piercing pain gripped me again. I collapsed doubled over with chest and upper stomach pain. As I reached for my cell phone, I was actually complaining to GOD “But I ain’t done, I need more time!” My speed dial for emergencies reached my wife, who has worked in our local Public Servants with guns office. She was yelling at me for "not taking care of your health, STUPID". (Ooohh, IS THIS GOD speaking through "the woman you gave me" as Adams complained in the garden...)

I had a strange peace though, but kept feeling like going to sleep, fighting to stay awake, something inside said “don’t fall asleep”. Then it hit me, EAT…I had not slept nor eaten much a for couple of days. I told my wife to get me a snickers candy bar…Diabetic…LOW SUGAR. The doctor finally understood me as they were checking me, connecting EKG and IV to me. Am I having a heart attack or maybe…Oh, crap, I took medicine today that brings blood sugar DOWN but did not eat my food completely. What is that word, Hyper no, Hypoglycemia, LOW SUGAR!!

From Mayo Clinic
Definition: Diabetic Coma
A diabetic coma is a life-threatening diabetes complication that causes unconsciousness. If you have diabetes, dangerously high blood sugar (hyperglycemia) or dangerously low blood sugar (hypoglycemia) can lead to a diabetic coma. If you lapse into a diabetic coma, you're alive — but you can't awaken or respond purposefully to sights, sounds or other types of stimulation. Left untreated, a diabetic coma can be fatal.
Low blood sugar (hypoglycemia)
If your blood sugar level is too low, you may feel:
§ Shaky or nervous
§ Tired
§ Sweaty
§ Hungry
§ Nauseated
§ Irritable
§ An irregular or racing heartbeat
§ Hostile or aggressive
§ Confused
Some people develop a condition known as hypoglycemia unawareness and won't have the warning signs that signal a drop in blood sugar.
When to see a doctor
A diabetic coma is a medical emergency. If you feel extreme high or low blood sugar symptoms and think you might pass out, call 911 or your local emergency number. If you're with someone with diabetes who has passed out, call for emergency help, and be sure to let the emergency personnel know that the unconscious person has diabetes.

************************************************************

Through a fog of sleepiness I told the doctor, “no food, low sugar, diabetic” then he understood. They poured sugar into my mouth and I washed it down. Soon I felt the effects of sugar and IV bringing me back from the brink, caused by me stupidity. Doctor confirmed that I had dangerously LOW SUGAR and could have been unconscious until my wife came home. Oh, your heart is great, nothing wrong but you need to EAT, SLEEP, take your medicine AFTER eating only.

OKAY…well, finally I felt safe enough to sleep, woke up next morning feeling great. They ran more tests then told me to go home. This was a WAKE UP CALL from God, that I had better “Walk in the Light”. In fact verses from the Bible popped into my head all night, even in my dreams. The LORD my GOD made it clear to ME that I can be Taken anytime.

I have felt for many days, like the Pilot “Anjin-san” in Shogun, reborn after trying to commit ritual suicide but stopped by Omi-san. The Pilot was pulled back from the brink. Strangely he was effected by the rush of adrenaline, the awareness of “I am still alive”. Basically I am trying to be nicer and you should have seen this reflected in my posts.


So once again, I will not apologize or excuse my foul language or extreme passion. Rather I give this as an explanation that I have been corrected by my Father in Heaven and given more time on this earth. I will try to stay in HIS light. Soon I will explain HOW I changed my life back in 1985 and why I left the film industry.

Peace and be of Courage!