We are from the same father, of the same Genes. DNA tests showed that we had the SAME birth/natural father. He was with our mother for over 3 years…
I will probably never meet her or him, but I trust in God that my mother may be waiting in heaven (with my Adoptive Mother). Years ago a Japanese-American Pastor, who I did not know me and had never met me, came to our church in Kansas City, Mo. He was from San Diego I remember and spoke at our Wed. nite meeting. He asked me to stand up in a meeting and inquired if I was the guy who was “Kinda, Sorta, Asian.” Everyone in the place LAUGHED, people who knew only the nice Don.
In the depth of my being, in the mind of a young child who had to fight for survival in post-war torn KOREA, I WANTED TO LASH OUT WITH A REAL SAMURAI SWORD AND
BUT, I smiled and told MY STORY, “yeah, I am ONLY Half-Korean, I was born during the Korean War…..”(To Be Continued in a later Post). Every Day in Korea, I am reminded that I “Don’t look Korean AT ALL” and the wounded part of me wants to yield to the rage and just HIT ‘EM. Just keeping it real.
What is this Rage, this BLACK UGLY DARKNESS, that is MY OLD FRIEND?
It is the survival mode of a wounded child, what many of you may at times feel, to hopefully lesser degrees. In a microsecond, full blown RAGE AND MURDEROUS thoughts would FLASH in my mind and I would be ready to go FULL ON BERSERK, bent on hurting the object or person of my perceived torment with total rage.
Old Friend of mine, Bill a really old guy, and could have been my birth father’s age, was great at telling stories. Bill served in the Korean War with one of the best Regiments, 27th Inf. Regiment "The Wolfhounds". My computer at that time, 1999, was a Pentiun I only made by a small Korean firm, and was constantly giving me headaches. Bill was learning to use the internet and would leave it on walk away with 50 ‘windows still connected, running up a huge monthly bills.
Well, one day I got so frustrated, that I grabbed a claw hammer and after calmly disconnecting the computer, opened the side panel and began to hit it and smash it to pieces, smashing everything even the hard drive. Pieces were shattered and scattered all around the living room. I stood in the middle of the room, smiling like a demon possessed maniac…I would NOT be having problems with THAT thing again, NO SIRREE.
Bill sat still at the kitchen table throughout my moments of insanity, sipping his ‘martini with onions, no olives, pure Gin on the rocks’. He had been sharing the two bedroom apartment with me for 3 months, so knew a bit about my “Dark Moods”.
Bill was a grumpy old guy but was the Real Deal. Bill had been awarded the Silver Star medal for bravery in escaping with his teammates after his recon patrol was captured by North Korean troops. Bill used a C-Ration can lid to slash the throat of one guard, grab his rifle, free his men and escape with a prisoner. I read the citation that he had left behind when he went to the USA and sent it to him.
Bill said to me, “You feel better now? Let’s go up to 3-Alley Pub and bother that damn kraut- Gunther and the Canadian guy, what’s his name?”
My head was clearing, breathing slowing, heart rate dropping. “Oh, that’s Albert…(pause)…I should clean this up first.”
Bill replied, “It will still be here when we get back, I am buying first round”.
“The Shining”- Jack Nicholson here
I was just fine after letting it out, and in fact I highly recommend breaking someTHING rather that hurting some people or slashing throats. Heh heh. We caught a cab and ‘bother Gunther and Al at the 3-Alley Pub, Itaewon. BUT I DIGRESS.
Do some of you have this Madness and Rage in you? Know many of you do!!
Many Adoptees do not realize that some of the issues they have are related to the Traumas that we suffered in our Inner Child. More on that from real experts, later. (Recommended: Joe Soll, author of several books "Adoption Healing: the Path to Recovery")